Wednesday 21 September 2011

Wednesday 21st September 2011, Round 3, Week 2, Day 10

Well another Wednesday, another weigh in. I made it to 56.7kg so a 100g gain on last weeks result. But I guess since I've lost 1.7kg in 2 days I should be rather proud of my efforts. I am, but still can't quite let go of the fact I wasted all last weeks hard work on a stupid binge on the weekend... I don't think I'd be so upset if the binge was actually worth it, but it was just mindless..... anyway can't talk about it anymore because to talk about it is not letting it go.... Still not 100% yet and all I want to do is continue binging... which I haven't.... but anyway.... small steps...


Still loving the new food plans, especially the fact that it seems better planned than the last round. Last round I found I was just constantly cooking and creating but this round we've had sandwiches for lunch and we are cooking more for dinner and having left overs the next day for lunch which certainly takes away a bit of the stress of fitting everything in a day. We did a little of this last round, but this time it definitely seems far better.


Training seems a little easier than the first few weeks of last round (work wise that is, I'm still a bit stiff the next day of course)... and far shorter.... I'm usually done in an hour and last round I was always about an hour and a half so to be honest I'm kinda hoping it changes a little and we get more work (apologies to anyone else out there on time constraints for training, I'm lucky because I can finish work and have the rest of the arvo and night to train)..... and the SSS is definitely far easier than last round and I don't think it's because I'm fitter going into it. Last round I remember crying thinking this was waaaayyyy to hard, I actually remember doing 400m runs in between all the weight exercises and I kept telling myself that I wouldn't die doing it, I'd pass out first and someone would help me........ mind you I'd burn 1100 odd calories..... last Sat I only torched 294cal doing the weights section and another 150cal doing the set cardio section..... that's even lower than a normal day training towards the end of last round..... (I added on more cardio and abs to get a better figure).... I'm hoping (apprehensively) that we get a little more....


Today's mind food is about the word "TRY".... I'm starting to dislike it..... especially when I use it myself..... ok example


Try and click your right mouse button.......


How did you go ??


Did you click it ??


If you did click it, then you actually DID NOT TRY, you just did it..... INCREDIBLE HEY !!!


To me "TRYING" is just being inactive.... or a pre-emptive excuse.....  oh well I said I was going to try, but blah blah happened..... saying that you're trying is not actually starting an action..... Ok I'm sitting here thinking/saying "I'm going to try and do the laundry"...... funny.... laundry is still sitting there.....


Not good..... a very non-committal word.....


So food for thought today...... seriously how many times have you actually said you are going to  "try not drink as much this weekend", "try not have dessert after dinner", "try to save money", "try to wash the car this weekend", etc, etc, etc.... god we've all heard millions.....


Wouldn't it be nice and easier on the mind to just say, "I'm not going to have dessert after dinner", and just do it ????


XXX

Monday 19 September 2011

I let a demon ruin a whole week !!!!!

It is with a very very heavy and ashamed heart I make this post..... My binge eating demon was unleashed yesterday and I decided to weigh in this morning and check the damage.... 58.4kg..... my start weight.... a whole week of precious calorie counting and heart wrenching workouts...... wasted....... for nothing......

I do not feel guilty as I chose to eat as much as I could find, all me, no one else, not advertising, books, magazines, some TV guru.... all me..... all "healthy" stuff, but nothing is "healthy" in a binge-a-thon...... where you try to eat the entire contents of your fridge and freezer..... thank god I don't have junk food in the house or it would have been eaten.... Oh tell a lie, I did have about a dozen Doritos I bought for the family..... The least of my binge worries.....

So today I am a very sad and shattered girl. I feel like a big fraud because people message, email and call asking for help and if someone called me and said "I'm about to go binging, what can I do?" I can think of at least 5 things straight off the top of my head...... why can't I heed my own advice ? I even did have all the stops in place knowing that I was on the road to a binge free recovery and relapsing is a risk, so I made a very busy day for myself and alas it went out the window with one little bite...... one nibble that turned a week of awesomeness to nothingness.....

A whole week of training undone...... a whole freaking week !!!!  In one freaking day !!!! In one freaking afternoon !!! Right now is when I tell a friend that it is ok, what's done is done and today is a beautiful new day and we can start again...... My own words seem hollow to my ears..... Empty and hollow.....

There was no trigger for my binge... no stress, no fight, no dilemma, no boredom, no craving.... nothing.... just an insatiable need to be in the process of putting something in my mouth..... and I was so freaking proud of myself last week when I didn't even eat my entire Skinny Cow sundae because I truly didn't feel like it and just put it down...... how can I go from being in ultimate control to an outer body experience watching myself eat screaming "NOOO" and crying internally with every bite...... how.... why

What a waste of a week !!!! Back to my start weight..... and I bloody stayed an extra hour after my SSS on Saturday to just do that bit more...... Got up at 5am to do some extra training in the mornings..... for nothing....

What has happened to me ? Last round I didn't even contemplate behaviour like this.... I thought I had changed and that I had thrown this demon back in it's cage.... What's happened ? Where is the strength and determination of Round 2? Why am I back to feeling miserable because I could not control my binging..... I thought I'd buried that person...... eat, feel miserable, eat, feel miserable..... and lets not forget the negative talk that the demon brings with it..... I'm exhausted...... This morning like a child I hid under my covers trying to escape the demon whispering to me to throw it all away, to stay in bed, to just give in...... along with other choice phrases wearing me down not fit for public viewing...... I let that demon take a little of my soul back that I worked so hard for..... I want this to stop..... and I'm starting to think that I might need help.... THERE WAS NO TRIGGER !!!! I JUST ATE AND COULD NOT STOP !!!!

I guess I'm back on the horse this morning. Well the robot mode of me is. I'm going through the motions of being the determined healthy little critter I was at the end of Round 2. I've eaten what Mish set out for me and I've got my gym clothes with me at work..... but my hearts not back with me yet..... Hopefully I can find my mojo again soon because I promised myself I wouldn't be this person ever again..... and I never break a promise.....

Friday 16 September 2011

Friday 16th September 2011 (Round 3, Week 1, Day 5)

(Note: Weigh in and Fitness Results are all posted on the "Statistics" page)


Well we're already nearing the end of the first week of Round 3 and I must say it is so very very nice to get stuck back into planned training and nutrition. I thought I was doing rather well preseason with just a couple of missed gym sessions here and there and a few binge days.... guess I underestimated... I was still weighing in on Wednesdays and my weight was hanging around that 56kg mark, but for my preseason start weigh in I weighed in on the Saturday when I did all my other measurements..... guess binging on a Thursday and Friday did a fair bit of damage... I'm assuming after this weeks results for my Wednesday weigh in (1.8kg loss) I was fixing my binges through exercise before I was weighing in midweek and not realising the damage I was truly doing playing up on the weekends.... Well that's not happening anymore.... I also gained back 2% body fat so although I wasn't weighing more midweek and my clothes still felt like they were fitting (although I've gained some centimetres back).... the temple was being slowly trashed.... I've done a bucket load of research to my binge episodes and there seems to be a hell of a lot more to it than just a craving or a fancy for something sweet or savoury, so I'm working through that at the moment and want to put a lot of focus on it this round.... I've come a long way already in the last week but have a long way to go... Well at least I haven't had a full blown binge this week :)


I'm very happy with my fitness test results. and pretty much at least stayed roughly the same as at the end of Round 2 or bettered previous results.


Not much more to go through today to be honest. Just a little disappointed with my maturity towards food in the preseason, but I made the choices that undid a little of my hard work, so I just need to suck it up, own it and remember that I'll be back in condition in no time. Already back to within my 2kg swing of my goal weight and my head is coming back into it's rightful space so it's onwards and upwards from here.


Loving the new training and nutrition programs this Round too.... Really liked the Strawberry Bruschetta this morning for breakfast.... seriously tasty.....


Food for thought - We've all done it so what are some choices that you've made that have disappointed or upset you? Did you make amends? Did they hurt other people too? Can you still make a change to make amends? Do you actually want to ?...... XXX