It is with a very very heavy and ashamed heart I make this post..... My binge eating demon was unleashed yesterday and I decided to weigh in this morning and check the damage.... 58.4kg..... my start weight.... a whole week of precious calorie counting and heart wrenching workouts...... wasted....... for nothing......
I do not feel guilty as I chose to eat as much as I could find, all me, no one else, not advertising, books, magazines, some TV guru.... all me..... all "healthy" stuff, but nothing is "healthy" in a binge-a-thon...... where you try to eat the entire contents of your fridge and freezer..... thank god I don't have junk food in the house or it would have been eaten.... Oh tell a lie, I did have about a dozen Doritos I bought for the family..... The least of my binge worries.....
So today I am a very sad and shattered girl. I feel like a big fraud because people message, email and call asking for help and if someone called me and said "I'm about to go binging, what can I do?" I can think of at least 5 things straight off the top of my head...... why can't I heed my own advice ? I even did have all the stops in place knowing that I was on the road to a binge free recovery and relapsing is a risk, so I made a very busy day for myself and alas it went out the window with one little bite...... one nibble that turned a week of awesomeness to nothingness.....
A whole week of training undone...... a whole freaking week !!!! In one freaking day !!!! In one freaking afternoon !!! Right now is when I tell a friend that it is ok, what's done is done and today is a beautiful new day and we can start again...... My own words seem hollow to my ears..... Empty and hollow.....
There was no trigger for my binge... no stress, no fight, no dilemma, no boredom, no craving.... nothing.... just an insatiable need to be in the process of putting something in my mouth..... and I was so freaking proud of myself last week when I didn't even eat my entire Skinny Cow sundae because I truly didn't feel like it and just put it down...... how can I go from being in ultimate control to an outer body experience watching myself eat screaming "NOOO" and crying internally with every bite...... how.... why
What a waste of a week !!!! Back to my start weight..... and I bloody stayed an extra hour after my SSS on Saturday to just do that bit more...... Got up at 5am to do some extra training in the mornings..... for nothing....
What has happened to me ? Last round I didn't even contemplate behaviour like this.... I thought I had changed and that I had thrown this demon back in it's cage.... What's happened ? Where is the strength and determination of Round 2? Why am I back to feeling miserable because I could not control my binging..... I thought I'd buried that person...... eat, feel miserable, eat, feel miserable..... and lets not forget the negative talk that the demon brings with it..... I'm exhausted...... This morning like a child I hid under my covers trying to escape the demon whispering to me to throw it all away, to stay in bed, to just give in...... along with other choice phrases wearing me down not fit for public viewing...... I let that demon take a little of my soul back that I worked so hard for..... I want this to stop..... and I'm starting to think that I might need help.... THERE WAS NO TRIGGER !!!! I JUST ATE AND COULD NOT STOP !!!!
I guess I'm back on the horse this morning. Well the robot mode of me is. I'm going through the motions of being the determined healthy little critter I was at the end of Round 2. I've eaten what Mish set out for me and I've got my gym clothes with me at work..... but my hearts not back with me yet..... Hopefully I can find my mojo again soon because I promised myself I wouldn't be this person ever again..... and I never break a promise.....
Ah Kerri, I would say you're just human, and it's sometimes better to just let go for an afternoon, then get back on the horse. The more you beat yourself up, the worse you'll feel. It's not a complete breakdown of everything you've achieved, you just strayed off your normal path briefly, and you'll get back on that path today, or tomorrow...I hope you actually enjoyed the food you ate! Or all the castigating will be for nothing.
ReplyDeleteThat tiny bit extra will fall off in a day or three.You know what to do, you're a winner! You have achieved so much and you're so fit, toned and sleek - 58.4kg? That's just amazing - pat yourself on the back as you find your normal path again.
You're about 30kg lighter than me, and much the same height - very inspirational. But even inspirational people are allowed to be human.
Oh hunny! I'm going to send you a message on FB. xxx
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